A Place of Peace

miss_tpa

Nov 19, 20238 min read

I prayed for about 25 minutes. From the time I left the hospital building, got on to the first bus, alighted to take the 2nd one that would take me home, all I did was pray. It didn't feel like a long prayer. It didn't feel like a chore. I also wasn't in distress. In fact, that was why I was praying. I didn't want to be in distress. I wanted to approach the upcoming appointments in faith. A place of disregarding my natural tendencies to be in distress, worry/anxiety in such situations.

The lady who did my ultrasound scan told me to contact my GP in the next 7 days to get the results of the 2 scans I had done. I was grateful because my worry before the appointment was that I would be called for a follow up appointment when I would be out of the country. I was going by previous experience of the National Health System where results and feedback are not as quick as you would like. My worry turned out to be wrong.

I had even tried to call 2 days before the appointment, to ask if the follow up could be booked within a certain time frame. The helpline rang for some time and there was no reply. I told myself if I was meant to go through and discuss my query, I would have gone through. I decided not to worry about it and things would work out. They did!

When it comes to my health, I am very bold in asking questions. I wish I was equally bold in asking questions in all areas of life. While for some ignorance is bliss, for me knowledge is bliss. Sometimes that may not be a good thing because in this life, I will never know everything and this may be the cause of my wavy faith, strong today, not as strong on other days. From what the sonographer said, my fibroids had definitely changed, and this confirmed some of the symptoms I had been experiencing. I asked her if she could tell me anything about my fertility status.

On my way out I thanked the receptionist. We had established a mini rapport. He had called me to ask if I was able to come for the appointment earlier. I agreed and when I arrived, he knew my name. Before I exited the building, I saw the rain hadn't stopped. Before leaving the house, I was to take my umbrella. When I was inside the bus, and saw that it was raining, I realised I had left my brolly. I thought to myself, I would be ok, and I was.

When I came out of the bus to get the next one, the bus had a sheltered stand. Before I got off the 2nd bus, I positioned my handbag inside my winter jacket so it wouldn't get wet. I also placed my hoodie over my headphones and would then put my waterproof winter jacket hoodie over the first hoodie. As I walked to the hospital building the only place that was getting rained on was my face. I decided to cover my nose and mouth with one hand, which was covered by my ski gloves (I don't play with cold). In a short time I was inside the building and just as I said I would, I was ok.

Once I finished wrapping up for the rain and proceeded to leave the building, lo and behold it had stopped raining. I had spent few minutes preparing myself for something I thought would happen, but ultimately didn't happen. I was going to put my music on but decided to talk to God. The nature of my fibroids had changed, I didn't know what that meant for me and the dreams I have. I channelled myself to 2014 when my Dr told me not to delay having kids and that I also had fibroids. My prayer to God at that time was more like a statement to God saying If Jesus says I am having my babies, science can't say no. I stuck to that prayer for years.

As I prayed today, I declared what I know about God and what he has been showing me in the last few days, months and years. One image in particular is really helping me. If I was to give it a title, I would call it “God Versus ___” In this scenario today, it is God versus my fibroids and all that means (size, location, impact on fertility, treatment etc). When I have been doing God versus____ (any issue or problem I have), it has been clear that nothing defeats God and can defeat God because he has dominion over everything, i.e., he has control over everything. Yesterday, I got a better vision of this image as God being this mighty heavy rock/boulder.

This is put on one side of a weighing scale (must be some super heavy duty commercial weighing scale created by God himself). Once the Rock is placed on the scale it pushes the lever down, indicating it has strength and power. On the other side of the weighing scale is e.g., my fibroids or my other life issues and challenges. Even if all of them are placed on the weighing scale, they can't uplift and throw the Rock off the scale. It is impossible! This is why the Excellent book says with God nothing is impossible and it also says there is nothing too hard for him.

From that image, those verses, my life victories, and Bible victories, I was able to choose not to worry about what my GP will tell me in the next 7 days. Regardless of what he says I know and believe God has the final say. What I know about God, is he does "crazy and ridiculous" things. What I know about God is that he outdoes the natural because he is a Supernatural God. What I know and I am scared to say this, is even if the outcome is not my way, so long as God is with me, and he is, he doesn't wander off somewhere, it’s me who does (see The Desert post) I will be ok. The reason I will be ok is because when you have God and are connected to God, you have everything. The Strength of the Lord, Joy of the Lord and the Blessings of the Lord (earthly & eternal).

I really do realise in theory this is easy to say and this is why my prayer included me asking God to take me to that appointment in 7 days NOT in the flesh but in the spirit. If I go to that appointment in the flesh, I probably will not like what is said, I may be discouraged, and I will walk by sight. I categorically and explicitly do NOT want to walk by sight in this health situation and I have seen a glimpse of why I cannot afford to.

Walking by Faith means walking in the substance of things hoped for. Walking by Faith means walking in the evidence of things not seen, meaning I haven't seen my babies but by faith I know they are coming. I haven't seen perfect conditions for them to come, from the 2nd component that would bring their existence, to a reproductive system that is not potentially threatened by any forces (fibroids etc). Walking by Faith means where science and man may give me bad news, God says, "TPA, everything will be ok”.

I finished my prayer when I got off the first bus. As I waited for the 2nd bus, I noticed my mood/demeanour after that "podcast" with God. The way I would describe it is a place of peace. If it wasn't for the many people around me and the darkness, I felt like closing my eyes right there as I was standing waiting for the bus, as if I was lying on a nice white sand beach. The way I responded to this appointment and what I know about fibroids is nothing but God who has been transforming me in ways that I can't see until I see it. The place of peace I experienced is the reason I cannot afford to walk by sight. Sight will deny me this wonderful experience that has kept me calm, when I shouldn’t be calm. Hopeful, where in reality I shouldn’t be hopeful.

My natural panicky and anxious self has been taken somewhere and she needs to stay there and not return. I spoke to a colleague of mine weeks ago, who also has fibroids and she advised me not to worry because it won't change anything. Something the Excellent Book says. Worrying will not even add one cubit to your life so why worry, especially when the Rock is on the scale, and He is there all the time. He never moves. Your problems may multiply or change just like my fibroids have changed, but they can never have anything on God. He will always win the Battle. For me winning this battle has a spiritual element not just physical that I want to be victorious in. Walk by faith throughout.

Here is the tricky part for the flesh. The battle will be won on Gods' terms not mine. Off course I want a certain outcome and I was honest with God about what I want. If I am to maintain the image of God versus fibroids, then I am to trust that even when the outcome is not how I want it to be, because I am under the Rock and the Rock is over me, he will hide me from what the enemy has planned for my destruction. The enemy would love for me to go to that appointment in the flesh because he knows in the event I hear what I don't want to hear, the typical human/flesh patterns will go through the usual flesh process of thinking; ask God why, blame him, be angry with him, stop praying, stop reading the Excellent Book and ultimately pull away and disconnect from God.

I cannot afford this, and I don't want this. God and I have come too far for this to happen. In just that moment of having a glimpse of a place of peace, seeing that as an actual reality that I can live every single moment, every single day, especially when things are not going smooth, is something I want to have and be connected to for the rest of my life. The best part is it is very possible when I allow the Rock to be over me. All I need to do is believe and he will do the rest. I know many reasons why I would want the rock over me. Where I would go into a crisis of belief, and the truth is this is one of those situations that can do that, the Rock over me would help me run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint, like the Excellent Book says.

I don't know about you but in all my revolutions around the sun, I am tired of living a weary life from time to time. I'm tired of walking and being faint. I am tired of worrying only for what I was worried about not to happen. There is a better way. Remaining under the Rock. Today I have been privileged to see how a place of peace looks like if I make the choice to stay under the Rock. As I navigate this next chapter, I am making the conscious choice to remain under the rock because it's the only way I will ever get to and stay in a place of peace especially when the outside is far from a place of peace. So help me God, please help me.

I don't know what I'll be told in the next seven days. I don't know what the implications will be for my future. But here is the thing. I don't have to know, because in this moment I have chosen and decided that God will have the final say. Of all people to have the final say I would rather it be the God of Shadrack, Meshack and Abednego because this God defies fire anything and everything else. Why? Because God is Good, God is Great, God is the Ultimate Best!

Related Verses

Hebrews 11:1

Isaiah 40:31

Psalms 18:2-3

Psalms 78:35

2 Samuel 22:32

Psalms 18:31

1 Samuel 2:2

Isaiah 44:8

Psalms 144:1

Deuteronomy 32:4

Genesis 50:20