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5am Tantrum! (Part 1)

Manditora, mandisimudzira, ishe samasimba, ishe munogona. No, you haven’t lost your brain capacity. That is a Shona song I discovered this morning in my tantrum. For the 2nd day in a row, I had woken up to go to the bathroom and my sleep got flushed in the process. It was 5am. I am not a morning person so being awake at that time is outrageous to me. The only time I should be up at that time is to catch a flight to go on holiday or chatting with friends in a nice atmosphere that doesn’t have loud noise. I don’t do loud noise anymore unless it’s a concert because that’s different. I am not old I am in full aunty mode as a meme said. But let’s come back to this tantrum I had.


I couldn’t get back to sleep which meant by the time I got to sleep, then wake up, it would be later in the day. I have worked diligently for the past month to finish working at a certain time. It then gives me time to have sufficient quality me-time. After that I go and sleep at a certain time, so I can wake up early to hang out with my Boss and see what he wants me to do for the day, before I start the work he has given me. Our daily morning meeting starts with me talking to him briefly about what I need that day. I then spend 15 minutes trying to listen to what he has to say about the day or any other agenda I have previously brought to his attention.


Why I say try and listen to him is not because he is boring, far from it. The reason it’s an effort is because though there is no external noise whatsoever, there is a lot of internal noise in my head. My mind wanders here there and everywhere. What should I do today, the conversation remorse I have from situations where I now suddenly have the wisdom of what I should have said. Anything but listening to my Boss. Sometimes I do listen and in no time the 15 minute meeting is up.


Last night when I went to bed, I acknowledged a funk I had noticed I had when the week had begun. I prayed about it. In my prayer I was saying to God how I would like to stop struggling in some of these areas I’ve been struggling in for a while. Prayer is so fabulous because when I mentioned that I was able to take stock and realise actually a lot had happened in the last month and a lot had happened in the last 2 years. No wonder I was in a funk.


The funk was, just feeling... meh. After a few work engagements I had decided to take a 2-week break. However, this week I would need to work because I had a big work engagement to prepare for and I had another 3 days after to prepare for. I was irritated I couldn’t just veg out like I wanted to. My new job was also giving me challenges that I knew came with the territory, nevertheless it was all annoying and frustrating because it was restricting me from the things I’ve been used to. Financial security. When you start a new business, financial security is nowhere in that picture. At a time when I want to go on holiday so bad for a week, somewhere luxurious and exotic, I can’t. All these things and more, were the funk I was in.


When the sleep was gone, I was having a tantrum from the funk I was in. Our reactions are never just surface level, they’re coming from a deeper place. This is why we are asked to have Grace for each other. If we did, I think even if we had struggles, the world would be so much better. I would be considering you and you considering me, and we mutually help each other out. I will be the first one to say I have a PhD in Knowing we need to give each other grace, including ourselves. The application of it... I have only enrolled for the class this year. Which class? Em probably kindergarten. I have a long way to go, but with Gods’ help I know like other areas I am doing better; he will help me and uphold me with his victorious right hand as the Excellent Book says.


I went on to do my morning routine of talking to my Boss, then I read the daily memo he has for me. This month the memo has been from Psalms, my favourite book. It’s my favourite because in my opinion there is no other book that speaks to the human condition and struggle like it does. If you are going through struggles, which I have concluded everyone is, please read that memo from my Boss. You will see that, not only does someone understand your pain and can articulate your struggles precisely, but there is also a cure for your struggle from whom Daudi calls, The Lord of Heavens Armies. There is a whole army fighting for you and it is not the U.S. Arny. A far better one that fights and overpowers demons since this war began.


Even though I have these moments of frustration, many moments of walking by sight especially in this season that’s been 2 years, moments of discouragement by the nothing I am seeing in the areas I would love to see SOMETHING yawa Jesus! I believe the Holy Spirit steps in to remind me something. When I couldn’t sleep the thought came to me that may be God wanted to tell me something especially since today I was not all attentive when he was to be speaking to me.


My testimony is that the whole day today has been about God telling me many crucial things. Even when I thought I knew what I would come and share, He still had more to tell me. I will share more details in the next post. Once I finished my morning meeting with my Boss (you’ve worked out who it is right?) I went to do the worldly thing I do. I went to IG and the first post that came was from Jackie Hill Perry. Her message shook me to the floor because I didn’t realise the way I was making decisions sometimes had nothing to do with what I thought it was.


When I do something or make a decision, I have now learnt to check or be in tune with my body. That doesn't even seem right to say because I should be tuning in with the God from whom all blessings flow. When I am disturbed, I usually feel it in my chest. So, my S.I unit for making decisions or knowing I have done something right is when I feel “peace” or calm in my chest. That has been my “confirmation” that what I am doing is right. Right by who, only God knows. What Jackie was saying is any peace we feel from anything should be based on the peace FROM God. Not from the peace of me or my chest. The peace from God will be in line with honouring him and putting him first.


Another commenter said if anything we shouldn’t feel “peace” because the things God asks us to do are like Abraham being told to sacrifice his son and so our first reaction should be like Jonah, try and run away only to find you can’t run away from the God who sees and knows everything including your next move. Going by these examples, there is no “peace” I should be feeling because first and foremost the heart is very deceitful! I imagined how a criminal would feel at peace when they have committed the crime because they have done what they wanted to do, which is all based on self not God!


As human beings we are naturally selfish beings so most of our decisions and deeds if not made to put God first, must then leave us to fail. Then we wonder why we are a mess and things are not working out at all! Then the worst part is we will end up blaming God, yet he was not consulted in that decision making process at all! From my previous post “On the witness stand: setting the record straight” you will know how I feel about God being blamed.


One thing I know I have stated many times in my recent blogs is that I am in a new career season. I am in the phase I call, planting season. In planting season there is no harvest, although I am seeing some signs of life. I have been getting frustrated that there is no harvest. Through my funk, my break and tantrum this Kind God wanted to teach me something but for the Holy Spirit tapping me gently as he does, I would have missed a vital lesson that I could use in any area of my life, not just the new career season. The best part is if I now make decisions fully intentional about putting God first, oh! I MUST WIN!


In my post “Masterclass” I shared how I learnt that greatness is not about being the greatest entertainer, actor, singer, rapper, newscaster, talk show host etc of the world, greatness is about doing the will of God. So, if I am doing the will of God and making decisions with the mindset that it has to honour God and others, winning doesn’t mean I will necessarily be a billionaire, although Jesus I see what you have done for others. Winning means even when I am in planting season, I am not growing weary or fainting. When I win, The Excellent book says it’s like a tree planted in the waters, always bearing fruit, season upon season. Jesus remember me oh! What I’m saying is me waking up at 5am is like all the other struggles of life, they are never in vain. There was a purpose to it. One that I needed for where I am.


God didn’t finish with me with there. Next thing I found was the song I have started with in this peace. I have been looking for a new song. I have been looking for a song to have as my ringtone. Yes, I still do that. This song just touched me in a way I needed at this time. First of all, it’s in the language of Shona. After Kiswahili, I seem to have an affinity for southern African languages, Zulu and Xhosa being tops. If I could speak these latter three fluently, I would be so jazzed. I don’t know what language we will speak in heaven but if there’s an option, I would ask God to give me that ability.


The words of the song were so calming to the spirit. The song is what I call a walk by faith song. “You have taken me and lifted me up, Powerful God, God you are Able!” The reason I say it’s a walk by faith song is because its speaking of a victory that I believe God wants me to know is coming and in anticipation of that, instead of the happy dance I usually do when he answers a prayer, he has given me the victory song I shall sing when my deepest and earnest prayers are answered either one by one or two by two or shoo! All By All because God is Good, God is Great, God is the ultimate best.


He pays attention to every detail about you especially when you feel meh, frustrated, discouraged, lost, can’t be bothered etc. He sends you signals to let you know he is listening, he sees, he is paying attention to your needs, most of which you don’t even have a clue as to what they are, he cares and loves you deeply, more than you can understand. In addition to these, what you feel he feels too and this is why he makes a point of adding certain gems to brighten your day the way he did with me today.


Gems that I needed and gems that have encouraged me so much. Are you paying attention to the gems or your eyes are blinded by the problems you have? If you are blinded to the problems you have you will be blinded to the solutions that are staring at your nose. God will always be there for you lo! until the end of time. With that unconditional and pure love, he has given us the best part, his son and all that entails including a life that knows not meh, discouragement and the rest. But it doesn’t end there. He desperately wants to give us many more best parts right here in the land of the living because of 3 things. God is Good, God is Great, God is the Ultimate Best!


Related Verses

Isaiah 41:10

Psalm 1:3

John 14:26

Matthew 28:20


Part 2 out on 24/09/2023


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lynakach
lynakach
Sep 21, 2023

Amen!

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