reader alert: I will be describing details related to death and grief that some may find may be difficult to read. please skip to part 3.
I was on a zoom with a Book club group where we don’t read books. We chatted about general topics and women’s issues (we still do to this day but its slowly changing). Around 2am I excused myself to go to sleep, it was early evening where the group was. Later on in my sleep, I hear my mom on the phone. (This is the period when my mom was living with me to help me out because the way my Long Covid was set up, I was restricted in doing many things). I was not amused that my mom was on the phone at this time of the night. I went to investigate. Before I opened my door, I heard her cry. To the best of my memory, I have not seen or heard my mom cry since the day my dad died, when I was 6.
I quickly opened the door and switched to a mode of finding out what was wrong. It must have been 4am in the morning. She asked me to come to the sitting room so we wouldn’t make noise for the neighbours. She really wanted me to sit down, and I sat and continued to ask what was wrong because I knew something was wrong, I just didn’t know what it was. I could never in a million years have guessed what she would tell me. I thought may be someone, a distant older relative had had an accident. Death was not even in my thought. She then tells me in our language that my cousin had passed.
Human emotions and reactions are …weird. I began to cry and at the same time was in denial asking, what do you mean, are you saying she is in hospital, she is sick or something. Your body knows even when your logic is in denial or can’t accept the truth. I decided to call my other cousin in America, who lived near my late cousin, to find out what was going on because my mom in my head was lying to me. When my cousin came to the phone, I just asked her “is it true?” and she said yes. I asked where my other cousin was, my late cousins' sister. I was told she was the one driving and I said I would call back later, so she could concentrate on driving. I went to my room and cried like I’ve never cried in my life. I was crushed. I felt as though my heart was also crushing.
If there was someone else besides my mom, I would have asked to be taken to the hospital. I was not ok! I also could not pray a sentence. All I could do was cry out “Jesus!” as I was on the floor. I would cry and call “Jesus!” in intervals and repeat. In between when I could, I would call out my cousin’s name, so it would be “Jesus!” cry, “Sonnia!” cry “Jesus!” cry. When I stopped crying, I started alerting people I knew. When I would break the news, I would cry again. In general, talking with my people would help. My testimony is that in that moment of grief like I’ve never known, because this was the first grief of someone who was actively close to me, someone I had grown up with, someone I don’t even know when we were introduced, because I have known them all my life, I discovered the incredible strength God gives you in these times.
Again, God taught me my grief style. For me I like to talk about the person, I like talking to people, I am ok being asked how I feel, and it really helps me to talk. My testimony is that yes, the relationships in my life may have evaporated but God will keep the ones you will need as friends. The ones who are there to check on you time to time, listen to you and be consistent support. One thing I received was support from those around me and I am forever grateful. From 4am when I heard the news, I would not sleep till 11pm in the night. So, I only had about 1 hour, and something sleep the night before.
My testimony is that on top of strength God gives, there is some other X factor ability God gives you to function during these times of bereavement. That day I was able to drive, an hour and a half’s journey back to my place. I had said there was no way I was going to work on Monday where I was not exactly thriving in my physical condition. Monday, I found myself at work. I did my job as I was supposed to. Home time was hard because I had been distracted 10 hours of the day and now I had to face up to this hurtful and shocking reality. My testimony is that your reality can not supersede the power of God and who he is. A God who makes a way for you to go on with your day-to-day responsibilities when emotionally there doesn’t seem to be a way.
My testimony is that what looked like my health going downhill as a result of this emotional stress, something I have now discovered affects my health, was actually the pivot that led me to make the career transition, and see the beginning of healing in the journey of Long Covid and a new life that I didn't know was possible. My testimony is that God walked with me in that period in the way a heavenly father walks with his grief-stricken child. In the midst of that period, he also gave me peace and comfort so that there were times I could laugh and was just ok in that moment.
My testimony is that it’s possible to be in a period of mourning and be ok. God is fully responsible for that. Yes, I would have many moments where I am ok then the next, I am crying. For some time, a day couldn’t pass without crying. My testimony is that all this is part of the healing. It is ok to let the tears out and feel how you feel. Today I heard a sermon saying, “The prayer that comes from a contrite and broken heart is never disregarded” Pastor Wintley Phipps. That is exactly what God did for me.
Travelling for the funeral, I experienced anxiety like I had never experienced, because this was grief like I hadn't experienced. I dreaded going to Kenya which is totally opposite to my usual. I am usually excited and that is why I was so excited when it was off the red list. I was not happy to be home. I didn’t even make the effort of looking for my friends like I usually would. Who is like God! The community he gave me, created moments of company that we could talk about all sorts of topics so that again I would be ok in the moment. What I have learnt about grief is you can have a moment where you are not ok and another moment where you are ok, and its ok.
Then there was the service and the funeral to get through. Dear Jesus, I was dreading it. Another one was the event where Sonnia was coming home. I had organised my trip so I would be there to receive her with the others. If I was at home and she was coming into the country, I would have naturally gone to pick her up, same as me and her sister had done for each other. So, on this journey, I wanted to be there. What I didn’t consider was how it would be emotionally. My testimony is that nothing that happens to us is a surprise to God. He knew all this was going to happen, he knew I would have these feelings of dread and anxiety and as the Excellent Book says, he never left me and I wasn't alone.
I knew he was a prayer away and if I was ok in a moment, that was him lifting me up on his neck and shoulders, the way fathers carry their kids for them to smile and have fun. My testimony is that considering my health had also gone downhill, I went through the service far much better than I thought. Thank You Jesus! I thought I would be a wreck, but who is like God, I even read the eulogy something that no one had planned for. I found out shortly before the service, got to rehearse 3 or 4 times in my head and then went to read a whole eulogy in front of a mass of people face to face and those online. That is purely Jesus as Paulo says in the Excellent Book “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”.
Strengthen me he did because, first of all, it was a eulogy, second of all my cousins eulogy, third of all, am I now in the stage of life where I am now reading eulogies? Also, there was the ending part of the Eulogy that got me emotional but through God’s strength, comfort and tear cleansing hands, I was able to complete the reading. At the time public speaking was something I did when I only needed to. To honour my cousin, I was 100% going to do it. Don’t ask me how. That was Gods’ department and he did it excellently. On the funeral day when I read it, again I didn’t know I would, I was not as emotional. How do you explain that? That’s right, God’s ways are not ours as the Excellent Book says.
Let me give you something that further supports that. The day I arrived was the same day the service was being held in America. I got to watch it online on my way home. What I did not know and was not expecting was to see her. Her resting vessel was left open. Ooh! That set my tears off, but it was a good thing because in releasing these tears, we actually gain strength. The next day when I saw her parents, because I arrived after curfew time the night before, I was able to see them while I was in a place of God’s strength. Previously talking to them, was hard, I would be the one in tears. I needed to cry because my strength would come after.
When Sonnia came home and I got to see her, that would help me on my healing journey and would also help me go through the funeral. At the funeral home, I stood aside, just next to her as the rest of the family and friends went around paying their respects. When I stood a side, I looked at her and cried and thanked her and thanked God for all she did for me. I stood there for a while, just looking at her and crying. She was so beautiful as she slept in peace. That also gave me some comfort. Before I left, her side, I stroked her cheek twice and went to be with the rest of the group. My testimony is continued in part 3
Related Verses
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18
Isaiah Isaiah 55:8-9
Isaiah 41:10
Philippians 4:13
Genesis 18:14
Revelation 21:4
1 Corinthians 15:26
Psalm 7.12
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